The case for huevos

So, it was time to return to the ice-encased pile of shit that is my life in Minnesota. That's a little-known fact about Minnesota, that all shit is frozen until three weeks in mid-July and early August. They have parades and everything for "Body-Temperature Shit Month."

(I'm sure there's a diarrhea sounding like a hail storm joke here, but it's late and I lack motivation in my life as a whole.)

Apparently, the wild horses I'd ordered up were unavailable from National Car Rental or any of the other fine companies represented at O'Hare Airport and so I was left to fend for myself in the fesitval seating of National's lot.

For those unfamiliar, you throw down your deposit (on something other than a debit card, because your bank will protect you to a point, whereas your credit card company will sell you out in a half second - the lesson, as always, never trust a credit card company) and head to the lot where cars are organized by size and type.

Being 6-3, I can't fit in the clown cars that pass for affordable compacts and have to start right in with the intermediates. I'm OK with this. What shocked me was after seeing that National's intermediates were Pontiac G6's on the web site the actual lot had a G6, a Chevy Cobalt station wagon and a shitload of minivans.

As I'm walking up, I ask one of the lot attendants what he thought of the set. "I don't want to pay $250 in gas," I said only half-jokingly.

After about 45 seconds on how the guys who work the lot sit in running minivans when the weather is hot or cold, he tells me the Dodge minivan is the best one there at fuel economy. I guess at idle speed it really sips the gas, which was good enough for me.

Then I ask the million-dollar question, "Well, it doesn't have a little bitch engine does it? Does it have decent jump?"

"Oh, yeah, man," he said, "It's got some huevos."

Good enough. And on top of that I was able to roll off the lot with a Grand Caravan which officially upgrades it from badass ride to chick magnet. More tomorrow, I need to go scrape the ladies from the windshield and pry one loose from the grille - The Grand Cranny is due back tomorrow, probably so Burt Reynolds can rent it Wednesday or something.

(Dodge.com / Cinematical.com / NNdb.com)