Texans fans get bullshat upon

Reggie Bush.

Vince Young.

Matt Leinart.

Mario Who?

Oh, you stupid motherfuckers. Enjoy redecorating after your fans burn down the team's offices. I hear tan is the new teal, so you might want to mention that to your interior decorator.

Late breaking news is that North Carolina State defensive end Mario Williams is the No. 1 pick in the NFL Draft this year, ahead of local legend Vince Young and no-brainer pick Reggie Bush. Either one of those guys is a highly defensible pick at the low end and a possible franchise player on the moderate end. Best case for anyone is Hall of Fame caliber and that's not too much of a stretch for Bush right now.

Instead, the Texans are the proud new employers of Williams. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that Bush's agent nixed a deal to the Texans as his client didn't relish the thought of spending Sunday nights and most of Monday removing the opposition's helmet from his rectal cavity. These things happen when you have no O-Line to speak of and your offense has been a laughing stock since your inception.

While football fans have gone round and around over Bush, Leinart or Young, the Texans settle for none of the above. The Houston sports junkies have already hit the message boards down there, with my favorite comment being, "We passed on Jordan... Hell, why not Bush, too?"

Heh. Stupid Texans. Another year without a running game just brings us closer to a happy day in my life - the day when David Carr suffers a career-ending injury.

I hope it's on a play action pass, just for this.

If that wasn't enough, let me twist the knife. Actually, let's allow John McClain of the Houston Chronicle the honors:

"Williams' best position is left end, but the Texans gave Baltimore free agent Anthony Weaver a $12.5 million signing bonus to play that position. Williams will play right end, probably forcing Antwan Peek their best pass rusher back to outside linebacker.

"Before Weaver signed, the plan was to move him inside in passing situations. Peek, who had been ticketed for right end before Williams signed, was going to compete with defensive end Jason Babin and outside linebacker Shante Orr for playing time at end in passing situations.

"Now, Weaver will move inside. Williams will move from right to
left end. Peek will drop down at right end.

"Although he has incredible speed and quickness for his size, Williams was better against the run than sacking the quarterback in college.

"In three seasons, he started 34 games and registered 175 tackles, including 55 1/2 for losses, and 26 1/2 sacks.

"Last season, Williams had 14 1/2 sacks and 27 1/2 tackles for loss, both school records."

Out of position... to bump their best pash rusher... with the first pick over Bush. But hey, on the bright side, he's the best football player North Carolina State has ever produced.

If this were a fantasy league, this would be a decision so bad that the commish would stop the draft and explain to the manager what just happened, then try to calm the giggle fits and outright awe as they enacted a do-over to give the mismatched chump another shot.

Unfortunately for Houston fans, there's no such luck in the NFL and as of Friday night, Bush is hanging out with Jay Z at the 40/40 Club in NYC as fans of the team prepare to re-enact the Alamo at Texans HQ.

This is just amazing.