Saving baseball one fan at a time

I am a man who is slow to anger, but incredibly easy to annoy. Annoyances drive me to distraction and quickly become consuming forces in my life. This is only exacerbated by my surroundings, so it's safe to say that a dome full of Minnesota residents is already a recipe for disaster (and fill that with Yankee fans like Friday night and it gets worse. Before we were able to make it outside after the game, I'd dropped two f-bombs and was more than ready to fistfight a man in his 60s, no joke.)

Baseball games are one of those things where I wholeheartedly believe there is a standard of conduct that all fans should be aware of and abide by. I am not asking for an army of drones, all silently filling out scorecards, nor am I asking that everyone find their seat and stay planted, like going to the opera. Baseball is fun and passionate and that's part of the charm of seeing games live, but we need some ground rules here.

For instance:

Grown men with gloves are a major pet peeve of mine. If I were handed the keys to a Major League franchise this afternoon, I would all but instantly employ a small army of children to wander about, find men over 18 with a glove and punch them in the testicles.

No joke.

I imagine that kids would be all about this job and if I could find a way around those pesky child labor laws, I'd be in the clear. I think this just the kind of deterrent needed in ballparks around the country to end this national embarrassment.

The odds of a ball landing in your section are pretty low for any game you go to. Most will end up in the stands on the first-base side, a few peppered into the third base seats and a handful deeper down the foul lines. Sitting in the upper deck drops those odds and outdoor stadiums limit this even further because the roof will keep high foul balls from ever seeing the seats.

The point is that it is very rare for foul balls to find the fans. This is why if someone came into your office on Monday morning and told you they caught a foul ball, you'd think it was pretty cool.

Now, assuming you beat the odds and a ball finds its way to you, most of the time it's not a screaming line drive, which even if you had a glove would be tough to catch, it's a loping fly which gives you plenty of time to get set and get two hands up. That's assuming you can reach through a sea of arms all trying for the same ball. There's a better chance of someone taking the ball off their noggin, given all the confusion.

I'd even be willing to allow gloves in the outfield where you could catch homers - the idea being that you want the best chance to hang on if it's hit your way - but the argument should boil down to three points.

1.) You are a grown-assed man. Do the math, you're not seeing a baseball unless you buy it at the gift shop.
2.) If a ball comes your way, stand up, get ready and use both hands.
3.) No one is going to see you brought your glove and ask you to play catch during the seventh-inning stretch or pitch in garbage time. It's not your lack of a glove that will keep you off the field, it's the fact that you haven't touched your toes since 1977.

My team isn't playing guy is a sticky situation. Where is the line for what passes for acceptable attire, especially with regards to teams that aren't playing in that ballpark on that day? I think a hat is OK in most cases - for example, wearing a Brewers hat to an Oakland vs. Seattle game - as long as you don't overdo it with a jersey and facepaint.

For your team playing that day, anything goes. I have made it a priority to wear a full uniform, including pants and possibly spikes, to a game at some point in my adult life, so the rest is all fair game. Jerseys, hats all of this is OK as long as that team is playing.

What I'm talking about was the knucklehead behind us Friday in a Cubs jersey from two years ago with "Garciaparra" on the back. Sooo... team isn't playing here, with a player who isn't in Chicago anymore? How is this a good idea?

The subsections here are "My parents never hugged me guy" who wears strange wigs, giant sunglasses, etc. to try and get on TV. Giant foam cowboy hats are classic. Looking like an extra from Mad Max is not. (More on this some other time.)

Kids getting up and down all damn game are another real problem for me. People of any age getting up during play are the real issue. Baseball is a slow moving game - glacial in spots - so time it right.

If you're hungry, wait for the inning break or at least an out if you're sitting near an aisle. When you come back, wait for another break in gameplay to return. It's that simple.

There are very specifically defined moments that are important in a ballgame. It infuriates me when I miss one because someone comes back and needs to shove their way down the row after going to grab nachos or a bathroom break.

While I used to watch a few innings and then ask my dad to wander Wrigley Field with me, we always waited. This is the single greatest thing you ca teach your child about a baseball game - wait for the inning to end before you disrupt two rows of people. Wait to come back until there is a good break in the game.

This could be another punchable offense in my book. Better yet would be a seperate section for people who don't give a damn about the game. Sit them somewhere in the upper deck - preferrably without seats - and just let them mill about until it's time for a hot dog or to go pee.

I will now wait for the General Manager offers to roll in.

(Photo from: vikings.vcsu.edu)