Making the world a more offensive place

I just have visions of conversations like these going on near The Chronic's minivan as soccer practice drones on in the background with terrified mothers and fathers slowly backing up and walking away.

Hmmm... so let's see. What to blog about?...

Well - there's the fact that nobody gave a shit about the Tour De France this year because Lance Armstrong didn't participate, that is until another American won. But wait - he failed his drug test with abnormally high levels of testosterone! It really takes balls to pull a stunt like that! Just ask Lance Armstrong...

Or there's Lance Bass dropping the mother fucking bomb of the century on us the other day by stating he's dating that guy from The Amazing Race! That's right 17- to 22-year-old girls - you will never get the chance to do the hippity dippity with Lance Bass. And I'll tell you something else - Justin's gay too. Just give him time.

But I think I'll choose the story about the Missouri woman who was forced to swallow. Yeah - definitely the story about her!

Browsing the San Francisco Gate the other day - I saw a troubling story about a couple in their 20's from Missouri whose domestic dispute has brought to light a very sensitive topic in our society.

The two had an argument about her allegedly fooling around with other guys - and the boyfriend, (whose name is great - Marlon Brando Gill), forced his girlfriend, Melinda Abell, to swallow her cell phone.

HE FORCED HER TO SWALLOW HER CELL PHONE!

Now I know what all you women are thinking... "How could this asshole force his girlfriend to swallow? Shouldn't it be up to us whether we choose to swallow or not?"

And hey! I am totally behind you on that - ask anyone who knows me - they'll tell you I'm pro choice. It's not like we're living in the 50's anymore where women feel obligated to swallow nearly every night! But there's one problem. In today's social hierarchy - men are still the leaders of business, leaders of the home, and unfortunately for you - leaders of legislature. And guess what? Those power hungry men freely abuse their authority by forcing there kept women to swallow any damn time they want! Repeated efforts have been made to pass "No Forced Swallow" legislation - but to no avail. There may be hope however!

I feel that in this age of legalized gay marriage and socially accepted female voting, Melinda Abell has the perfect opportunity to grab up the banner of women's rights and lead the battle against Forced Swallowing. If she is willing to just get off her ass, or knees, on this issue and stand up for herself, she will be saving the rights of millions of women across this great land. I, for one, am ready to abide in a "No Forced Swallow" society and wholly support this fight. What the hell - I propose we get one of those little colored ribbons or rubber bracelets to symbolize your fight for this cause.

I'd even be proud to slap a bumper sticker on the MV that says "Get off your knees and shut your mouth!!!"