It's all pretty simple, really

Law and Order is being shown continuously on one of the four channels that is shown on the TV in my room this week.

This is a carryover from The Girl, who will watch as much of the show as you're willing to put on the air.

Who would have thought that murder, gunfire and screaming matches involving Ice-T would have a calming effect and help ease homesickness? Well, other than Detroit residents.

Here is my quick checklist for all Law and Order viewers out there:

* The first person arrested is never the person who did it. They'll be cleared as a suspect - no matter how guilty they appear at first - in the top 15 minutes of the show.

* You won't see the real culprit until after the commercial break at the bottom of the hour. It's like watching a college basketball game - tune in for the final half hour and you'll see all you need to see.

* Ice-T is a shockingly good actor. He can be left on his own, away from the rest of the cast, and he'll be fine. No, really. I say this with all seriousness.

* The new trend is to throw out random shit from the character's personal life and then pretend like it never happened. It's getting stranger by the week and didn't happen as much in the older shows. Months ago one of the lawyers was fired and her last line in the show was, "This isn't because I'm a lesbian, is it?"

Previously, there'd been no mention of any of this. Aaaaand, credits!

* The orderlies in the background of recent episodes have been exceptionally good looking. Except one...

* Somewhere around the 40-minute mark or once a lead suspect is released on bond or let go outright, something bad will happen. The cops will be doing something else and someone will ask if they know what happened to Suspect X.

Dollars to donuts says they were shot, stabbed, poisoned or were hit with something heavy. Try to act surprised.

* All of these rules are out the window if this is a very special episode where the cops right an old wrong or have a personal score to settle. In those cases, the episode's main character will probably be forced to eat a big bucket of shit and end the episode sorely disappointed.

* I will be told to shut my mouth for pointing out any or all of these bullet points when I voice my opinion during the episode. This may or may not include something being thrown off the coffee table at me for making said points.

(Images from NBC.com for all I know / MySpace.com)