Picking your wedding music, a handy guide

While I was told I'd play a significant role in picking the music for the wedding, I'm quickly learning that my level of involvement will be largely ceremonial. This should be a familiar theme for any married men or any grooms-to-be.

Apparently my selections - culled from nearly 1,000 songs screened on a six-hour drive from Chicago to Minneapolis on Sunday - are going to be taken under advisement, but will likely be overruled.

Anyone who can't appreciate the wedding party walking in to Quincy Jones' epic composition, The Streetbeater - aka the theme from Sanford and Son - doesn't belong at my wedding, simple as that.

Still, I will cling to my hopes that Cold Lampin' With Flavor will be played in breaks between the band's sets. It's really all I have left.

For anyone else just beginning the process now, I offer the following observations:

* It appears that most of my musical library falls into two categories - the Old 97s and rap. So, if anyone who is attending the wedding is planning on dance lessons before October, I suggest paying attention to "urban" and "two step" in the class.

* You'd be amazed at how many songs are inappropriate for family functions. They are usually some of my favorites.

* The same goes for songs to fast to be "slow songs" and too slow to be real dance floor anthems. This was a major shock to my system.

* Despite my love for Shimmy Shimmy Ya I can't in good conscience, play Old Dirty Bastard at a wedding, no matter how awesome it would be. And believe me, it would be awesome.

* Be careful of songs you really, really like now. While I'm sure you love the new rock ballad of the week, are you sure you want Nickelback forever linked with your wedding? No, no one wants that. Not even the guys in Nickelback.

* You have a choice to make - Show off your musical tastes and complete of distrust of the mainstream music industry or people having fun and shaking their asses? Let's face it, no one plays The Polyphonic Spree at school dances for a reason.

That's what your wedding has essentially become - your very own high school dance, including the requisite amount of drama and alcohol-induced stupidity.

* Keep in mind people will know the names of the songs. Grandma will listen to the most inappropriate lyrics, much like a sitcom character who will hear the most incriminating portion of a conversation.

Aimee Mann's I've Had It is a perfect example of problems here. Same with Pete Yorn's Just Anotherr Girl.

* You're going to want to listen for objectionable lyrics four or five times, minimum. Songs that sound like a lyrical recap of an hour of playing Grand Theft Auto might not go over so well with the cottontops.

(Image from: ArtistDirect.com)