The things they don't tell you

I touched on it briefly the other day in the rush to get the Jim McMahon picture up after the wedding, but one of the big things I learned in the wedding rush a few weeks ago is that your extra-special day is rarely that special to anyone outside of your blood relatives.

I'm not saying that's such a bad thing - I can only imagine how strange the reception would be if everyone in attendance was as high-strung as those directly involved with the day - it just is.

Among the other things I figured out in the three weeks following the wedding:

* Watch your mouth at the reception. You'll be excited to see everyone and suggest that you get together soon. When midnight hits, you're booked for the next six years if you do one dinner every other weekend.

* If you're a male, it's not your day. Don't even think otherwise.

* I'm pretty sure the honeymoon period is a result of the following subconscious thought: "I'm stuck with you now - I guess I'd better be nice."

* Be ready for everything you eat to taste like burning rubber or plastic. All of your appliances are new. They all stink.

* I'm betting it's pretty common for someone to "threaten" the groom at every wedding. Older brothers, drunk uncles, fathers or the clergy, there are plenty of people there to tell the groom to behave himself. Some are kidding, some are not - see if you can tell the difference.

* It goes by very, very quickly. For me, I was so concerned with not developing a sudden case of Tourette's on the altar and not screwing up the first dance that the day flew by as I looked ahead to keeping my shit together. Eventually, though, things reach equilibrium and you can just relax and talk to your friends and family.

* Um, about that. You'll feel like you've spoken to everyone for two or three minutes, but didn't actually get to talk to anyone at all. It's a bummer when you do the mental math on the expense to host a wedding and the outlay your guests are making and you realize that you never really had a good discussion with anyone.

* Kiss your retinas goodbye. Most people own digital cameras now and most have no idea how to work the flash. Your photographer, on the other hand, will have a huge flash and will chase you around like you're a B-list celebrity.

* Good luck trying to find a minute to yourself all day. Sometimes you need to tell people to stick it so you can get a cup of coffee midway through the night.

* Don't forget to square away your music before the final 12 hours. No seriously, go start now. Also, iTunes will screw you at the most inopportune moments - it's in the coding. (Side story: I had to pick out my dance with my mom the morning of the wedding. I spent most of the dance working ahead 15 seconds in the song to make sure there wasn't some problem with the lyrics - either a curse word or an inappropriate sentiment - on the horizon. I would have knocked over an amp to draw attention from the song if the need arose. I am so not kidding on that.)

* You really can't go wrong on the big day. Honestly, it is incredibly difficult to ruin a wedding day without some actual malice and forethought. Well, unless you buy one of these babies. Then, you're pretty much hosed.

(Image from: StupidWeddingCrap.com)