Moving vehicles and other places you shouldn't rub one out in

Eddie Griffin (the Timberwolves player, not the Deuce Bigalow man pimp - I know, I had no real knowledge of this second Eddie Griffin's existience either) just keeps getting in more and more trouble up here.

After being the butt of literally thousands of ball-handling jokes around water coolers today, Griffin just couldn't resist the urge to respond to his critics. While I was going to link to this, I think the original story says everything you need to know. When this goes to the subscriber side soon, hop over to bugmenot.com first to gain access.

Innocent until proven whatever and all, but you can't make shit like this up without some time to think about it and the Star Tribune comes out in the morning.

Here are the two critical pieces of info from the Star Trib:

(Security tape seen by the newspaper) supports the statements of several store employees who said that Griffin repeatedly said he was drunk and that he didn't want to go jail.
At one point during the 50-minute tape, Griffin offers to buy the owner of the damaged sport-utility vehicle he ran into "any new car or truck, but not a Bentley."

Aaaaaaand:

Jamal Hassuneh, the owner of the damaged SUV and brother of the store owner,filed a lawsuit Thursday in Ramsey County District Court against Griffin and the city of Minneapolis.
The suit alleges that Griffin was watching a pornographic DVD in his SUV and masturbating when he crashed about 2:30 a.m. on March 30. Griffin, 24, had told the Star Tribune a day after the accident that a dropped cell phone caused him to crash.

Ladies and gents, we have a new euphemism for jerking off - "dropping the cell phone."

The one bright spot to the follow up story released by Griffin's agency is that attorneys for the Hassunehs sys that before Griffin denies he did anything that night, they'll show him the tape because he's probably hazy on the details.

Heh.

One other note for David Chanen, the reporter who filed the initial story, do not bury a detail like, "The suit alleges that Griffin was watching a pornographic DVD in his SUV and masturbating" in the 11th paragraph. This is your moment in the sun, don't be afraid to succeed, brother.

I can do no more with this situation to elicit cheap laughs than Griffin already has. This will get worse before it get better. And I thought Kanye West bragging about his porn collection was odd - at least he can wait until he gets home to start spanking the monkey.