Things I will not miss about the city

1.) Cubs traffic - there are hundreds of roads other than Lake Shore Drive, so why do you have to add 20 minutes to my commute?

2.) Street parking - Especially if you own a larger vehicle. One of the plusses to our old neighborhood was plenty of street parking, unless it was a Friday or Saturday night.

3.) Rush hour on the El - Once a month, I'd melt down after being packed into a noisy metal box and wonder why I didn't move someplace nicer.

4.) Crappy little restaurants - While the burbs are trashed for their chain-friendly attitudes when it comes to dining, the city's dark side contains awful little restaurants that are only kept in business by adventurous diners hoping to find a diamond in the rough. Many times it's just an awful restaurant that no one goes to more than once.

5.) The smell of urine on the bus.

6.) Random traffic at any hour of the day or night - When you hit a jam at 11:30 p.m. on a Sunday for no real reason, it can be a bit much.

7.) Bike theft.

8.) The assumption that because you live in the city, you've heard of cool, edgy restaurants (work only) - No, I haven't eaten at the Hawaiian/French Canadian/Peruvian fusion restaurant. I eat burgers at the corner bar, just like you would if you lived here.

9.) Richard M. Daley - There was a saying that as long as the trash got picked up and the streets got cleared, he'd be mayor for life. The streets stopped being cleared last winter.

10.) The rats - Man, do I hate the rats.

Got two? Need two?

In what is becoming a big, big mess, the tickets to the Tuesday night Obama rally are gone and people are trying to find tickets by any means possible.

In 2008, this of course means that people are hitting the Internet. The hitch is that you need a photo ID and so those blocks of two tickets are really a "one plus" situation.

Buddy system, anyone?

My favorite part of the Tribune's write up is the analysis of the Google trends feature, served with a side of sarcasm:

The Web site Google Trends recorded a heavy volume of searches for "Obama rally tickets" at 8 p.m. Tuesday and an even bigger spike at 7 a.m. today - making it the 38th most popular search term this morning on Google, behind "Rashid Khalidi" and "Tracy Morgan," but still more urgent than "vivisection" and "Halloween facts."

Well, at least we have our priorities straight. I need my Tracy Morgan news at least twice a week, but then, who doesn't?

That's just a stupid, stupid law

In the fall of 1996, I was a college freshman in Green Bay, trying desperately to be cool and make friends.

One of the first people I met who wasn't a roommate or one of the escaped mental patients who lived on my floor was gold-star commenter, NAD. We bonded over our lack of respect for biology lab reports and hippie music like Dave Matthews Band and Blues Traveler.

It was a Blues Traveler/Wallflowers show that came to town that provided the first opportunity to venture off campus and NAD had a friend who had access to the school's passenger vans. As an RA, he could sign out the keys, load the van with people and claim it was a legitimate outing for students.

I quickly alerted said mental patients to the possibility of a ride and we filled the van without much trouble.

When we got to the show at the less-than-glorious Brown County Arena, we waited through the opening Wallflowers and got to the main event. Without thinking, one of the guys lit a cigarette - and let's face it, it wasn't the worst thing being smoked at a Blues Traveler concert - and was tapped on the shoulder by security a few moments later.

The guard told him he had to put it out because the arena was a non-smoking facility - in Wisconsin in the 90s, no less - but there wasn't much of a hassle about it.

Our guy thought a second and pointed to the stage and asked why he had to put his out if the bass player could smoke while he played.

"Do you want to take the time to file a formal complaint?" asked the guard.

"No."

"Then shut up and put out your cigarette."

The reason I bring this up is because the city of Chicago has determined that the actors in Jersey Boys - set in New Jersey, in the 1950s - cannot smoke on stage. Not even clove cigarettes. On stage. During a show set at a time when everyone smoked. Even in doctors' offices.

How stupid is that?

Worse yet, the whole issue came to a head because someone complained about the smoking on stage and took the time to file a complaint. A complaint that was probably more paperwork-intensive than the one in Green Bay that was refused by someone who had even less to do with their time.

As someone who recently saw the show, I have no idea how close the central complaining idiot had to be sitting to be bothered by smoking on stage, but it had to have cost them a serious chunk of change to get near enough to care.

Also, for those who think it's a bad influence for children, keep in mind the multiple f-bombs, scenes featuring adultery, petty crime and loan sharking and you'd have to be a highly functioning chimp to think smoking was the worst part of the show.

Oh, wait - we might have a winner.

From the Tribune blog where I first saw this story:

I wrote about the absurdity of this when the smoking ban was first proposed. I am no fan of smoking but to legally require that shows pretend that no-one ever smoked in the history of the world is absurd, unreasonable, damaging to the city's cultural reputation and injurious to art.

Yeah, and that, too.

(Image from:RealOne.com)

GTA V - The Windy City's Hail of Gunfire

I had a family from New York on one of my tours this week and in between discussions on the wonders of water filtration and sketchy government dealings one of the kids started talking about Grand Theft Auto IV.

It gave me something to think about from my childless ivory tower when the mom in the group said that she preferred being able to supervise her kids as they played video games at home because they'd otherwise be playing the games at someone else's house.

It wasn't really clear whether she was allowing her kids to play the game or not, but I still have no idea how I'd handle that situation. Either get the game and have all hell break loose in the home or worry about them playing it at a friend's house and being exposed to all the same foul language and unmitigated violence and destruction a few blocks away.

Tough call.

One of the kids said they really loved the game because it was set in New York. Considering the ongoing competition between New York and Chicago, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very, very jealous of that 15-year-old right then.

A quick glance through Wikipedia lists a long history of losers in the video games set in Chicago department. Aside from a handful of racing games which held their own. I can only imagine the horrors locked away in the Blues Brothers 2000 video game, a cash grab on an awful awful movie.

The bottom line is that there's no real blockbuster title in the bunch.

The GTA treatment has been given to New York City, Miami, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, San Francisco and New York City again. When's our turn?

For such a good looking and iconic city, we can't get one lousy video game on a next-gen system? Is there any sort of voting process that we can rig? We're pretty good at that.

Sure, we have a governor that picks on the game industry and its rating system and a city that won't allow GTA ads on the sides of city buses, but what better way to avenge that than setting a video game in a fiction twin for the Windy City?

Until then, I guess Chicago gamers will just have to settle for spot-on recreations for Wrigley Field, US Cellular Field and Soldier Field. Well, that, and a Blues Brothers game that has probably been confiscated by the government and buried in a very deep, dark hole at this point.

(Image from: Wikipedia.org)

It's happened again

Appearing on the Chicago Tribune's web site tonight is word that another cyclist has been killed on the streets of Chicago.

A man my age was killed at the end of February a few blocks from my house, struck by an SUV in the street. That one was strange for me because his memorial is something I pass weekly. And he's not the only one - just looking around for pictures of that memorial turned up a page dedicated to the Chicago Ghost Bikes.

While some cases seem to be cases of drivers not paying attention of bikes on the road, there are also some grey areas here as well. In both cases, it stokes the flames of biker advocate groups and those who don't understand why they have to share the road with bikes.

Even tonight, early reports suggest the biker may have been at fault, which is a bit disheartening. I'm not saying the drivers are faultless, but a simple mistake by a biker, compounded by a driver that isn't allowing room for error never ends well for the the cyclist.

I've seen plenty of people on bikes taking stupid risks - I saw one fire across a six-way intersection in front of the bus I was on the same week that the city released new rules of the road for drivers - but that doesn't absolve drivers of their responsibility.

At low speeds, a car/car collision results in a stiff neck and a trip to the body shop. That margin of error disappears when a bicycle enters the equation. An honest mistake made on a bike can be fatal - I can't help but think that some of those accidents could be avoided if drivers paid as much attention to bicycles as they do for other cars.

It's just something to keep in mind tomorrow when the blame is placed on the biker for being young or not obeying a traffic signal. If this story plays out the way Matt Lynch's death did in February, it goes from blame on the driver to finding fault with the biker to no one paying much attention outside of the cycling community.

Regardless of who is at fault, it's still a fatal accident. Bikers and drivers need to take on more than their fair share of the responsibility to keep this from happening so often. Once is bad enough - twice in two months is out of hand.

Monday's Update - No one was officially at fault.

(Image from Flickr user gavin)

Police Supt. dying to beat nature into submission

In the same week where people went nuts over a gas station accidentally offering gas at $2.50 a gallon, the Chicago Police Department let it slip that they were kicking around the idea of buying a bunch of SUVs for the rank and file to patrol in.

Citing "rugged winters" Police Supt. Jody Weis suggested that with the department's squad cars needing replacement, SUVs might be the way to go. That's where he lost me.

New radios? Great. Standardized firearms. Not a problem. Chevy Tahoes? Bad idea.

In addition to the usual maintenance costs, now the department is looking to run bigger vehicles that guzzle increasingly more expensive gas? How did this make it out to the media?

The funny thing is that departments around the country have already come under criticism for this, when gas prices first started to escalate a few years ago. City councils were asking why higher-ranking officers were given SUVs that were more expensive to buy and maintain. Cost-cutting measures were put into place to replace full hubcaps with smaller ones that just covered the lugnuts and were less likely to fall off in a chase or if an officer hits something in the road.

Not only that, but why Tahoes and not something more economically friendly like a Ford Escape or something in that weight class?

The idea that the Chicago Police are seeing this as an option makes me nervous. In a meta moment, I'm inclined to guess that this might just be the sexiest idea that came up, sp the media latched on, but luckily, it appears that the Tribune has done a little homework first:

If Chicago police switched from the Crown Vic to an SUV, some might question the cost, maneuverability and eco-friendliness of such a fleet, especially in light of Mayor Richard Daley's push to make the city green.

But some departments in smaller cities, such as Plano, Texas, have moved toward SUV fleets, citing higher resale value and more room for police gear.

And an extensive annual test of police vehicles conducted by Michigan State Police and reported in Law and Order magazine in November showed that the police-package Chevrolet Tahoe actually "accelerates, brakes and corners like most police sedans" and has a fuel efficiency estimated to be the same as that of the Crown Victoria.

But that's only about 11 miles per gallon.

(Image from: ThomasDealsOnline.com)

I wanna see stuff!

I followed a link from a local paper's web site this morning and was sorely disappointed by what I found.

The Go Chicago Card is an offer for those visiting our fair city and allows them access to the big attractions - the Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum, both zoos, etc. - over three, five or seven days as they make their way around town.

It's a great idea for tourists, but leaves city residents out in the cold, unless they take a week off of work.

Here's my idea - a city pass for city residents that would allow Chicagoans to do the same circuit, but wouldn't have the truncated timeline.

How nice would it be to have six or eight months to take in the museums, zoos and other attractions for a discounted price? Just a simple punch card that would get you through the doors once at each location?

It wouldn't cost the company much more to print some different cards and get people out the door in the cold to see the museums. They could even leave the Lincoln Park Zoo off the list - with that being free anyways, there's no need to pad their record with the locals.

So come on, Go Chicago Card - help out Chicago residents. Why should Iowa get to have all the fun?

(Image taken for Siberia, Minnesota)

Yup, that's the mayor

Sean Connery spoke of the "Chicago Way" in The Untouchables, where he said, "They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"

While this is the type of stereotype that makes Olympic organizers cringe, it gives me a strange sense of pride when my mayor throws being politically correct out the window and just runs his yap.

The mayor took the Chicago Way to a different place when speaking about bicyclists in the city and telling the press that he flips off drivers. I'd pay to be in that car just to have the story to tell my children.

This has to rank up there with Daley's quiet approval of vigilante justice when it comes to the Chicago school of space saving in the wintertime.

I can honestly say that if pictures appeared online in five minutes that showed an angry Daley dumping a bucket of water on someone's windshield, I wouldn't be surprised in the least and I'd probably set it as the wallpaper on my laptop.

(Image from: USAToday.com)

Good Samaratins and Bad Language

Having time on my hands, I started to dig out from the last day's worth of snow. I was feeling pretty good this morning, so I started in front of our apartment and kept going down to the alley to help out our neighbors.

The snow is pretty light, so it's actually a good snowstorm to rack up the big accumulation numbers.

Anyone who has lived in a cold climate knows that powder is better than packing snow on your back, just like they know that rear wheel drive cars can be hell in the snow.

As I was coming back from walking around the neighborhood, I see a car stuck with the back wheels just churning up snow and making ice. Some poor knucklehead had his Porsche stuck in a small drift, while another guy had stopped to try and push him out into the plowed part of the street.

I stop to help push and realize that the guy in the car has no idea how to rock the tires up and over the snow drift and he's just laying down as much rubber as the good people in the Porsche production facility will let him. It was a total circus.

As we're pushing, the other guy who stopped is cursing away about what a clown the driver is and he's yelling at the driver to slow it down, drop it a gear if he can, etc., but every time he leans over to get him in line, the driver sprays him with a new tirefull of slush.

It was good work from everyone on the team.

If the tires would have grabbed at any point, we would have seen the car's touted 0 to 60 speeds headed for the broadside of the cars parked across the street. (OK, maybe that's the biggest reason I stopped - you can't miss that.)

I just shook my head at how worthless a Porsche is in the snow (like it's distant cousin, the Mustang) and how a random guy walking with his wife will have it in his heart to stop and help, but have such a foul mouth while doing it.

The driver fell into the "not from around here" category (European-ish) and thanked us after he got free. He promised he'd look into getting a "shovel, no?" Good for him.

As the car slipped down the street, the other pusher thanked me for stopping and made the easiest called shot imaginable - "That guy would have been here all fucking day, otherwise."

I'm not sure if that's true - eventually he would have melted his way down to pavement or been hit by a passing garbage truck, right?

(Image from: viewimages.com)

Wait, we're the dumb ones?

When the Girl was studying in Ireland, I got a lot of mileage from making all sorts of cracks about her new hometown of Dublin.

Drunk jokes were just too easy, so I went the way of Lucky Charms, Leprechaun Presidential elections and worshiping the Pope-tato.

So, when it's time to take my lumps about being an idiot who was a product of the American educational system, I usually just suck it up and prepare my next round of ugly Americanism.

So, when I see that this is still happening, it drives me nuts. The international community thinks that we're a downtrodden, blue collar violent cesspool of stabbings and despair?

Who do they think we are? Detroit?

Free, free, free!

For those in Chicago, here's your official heads up that both the Shedd Aquarium and the Museum of Science and Industry will be free in the immediate future.

Gapers Block has the news on the Shedd, which will offer free admission through Jan. 18. Admission to the Wild Reef and the Oceanarium will cost you a few bucks more, but are totally worth it.

After locking people out last week - I assume to strike the Star Wars exhibit and to get some maintenance done - the Museum of Science and Industry will be free from Jan. 12 to 31. Sweet feet.

Apparently, there are no special exhibits that will be open during that time, but there's still a train model and the big ass submarine and the City of the Century architecture. Also, baby chickens.

The reason I bring both of these bits up is because they're both places that deserve a second look, especially for those who haven't seen them since field trips in grammar school.

The Shedd really surprised me this week as they built the new Wild Reef exhibit under the main level and did a nice job of cleaning up the rest of the space on the top floor.

I remember when the Shedd was run down and dark - it was cramped and ugly and wasn't on the top of anyone's list to visit after they'd been there once. It was like a dark alley that smeeled like dead fish. In 1991, they added the Oceanarium, which opened the whole building up and made the space viable again.

I'm not sure what it is about old aquariums, but they always look like run down pet shops. There's a little known National Aquarium in downtown Washington, DC, that is nothing short of awful. Worse yet, it's the only museum in Washington that charges an entrance fee.

It's out of the same Shedd mold of dimly lit, cramped and dated public spaces. The Shedd is seemingly turning a corner with regards to becoming a welcoming place again. The main atrium - home to the massive Carribean tank that everyone remembers from being sent to the Shedd on field trips - is now relit with spotlights, bringing out the architecture, which used to hide in the shadows.

It's pretty funny now because for a while the Shedd seemed determined to live down to it's failing reputation. At one point, there was a swamp exhibit in the front lobby - where the main desk is now - that was essentially a major mud hole sunk into the floor.

Apparently no one noticed when workers were walking off with pieces of the ironwork when the swamp was being filled in until years later when a Shedd employee came across sections of the gating for sale in the classifieds.

Suffice to say, the Shedd was always happy to be the ugly stepchild of the Chicago zoo/museum circuit. Now with baby whales arriving pretty regularly and much-needed upgrades taking place, the Shedd can at least be mentioned in the same breath with the rest of the tourist traps in the city.

The Museum of Science and Industry is another aging institution that is trying to reinvent itself for a contemporary audience. The parking lots have been sunk, funneling guests through a new main entrance below ground. The whole experience is simpler than it had been in the past.

With the building being the biggest final remnant of the 1893 World's Fair, there isn't much the museum's board can do in terms of major renovations, but they seem to be holding their own.

The ugrades to the U-505 are nothing short of amazing, taking the submarine from "1975 Camaro left up on blocks in the front yard" status to an actual museum piece. The big picture is still pretty interesting, as there are the old standbys - the giant human heart, the train models and an entire floor that hasn't seen as much as a paint job in 25 to 30 years - mixed in with newly renovated and technologically souped up exhibits.

It's interesting to walk down the old stairwells with the same half-assed science experiments that haven't changed since I was in first grade and then to see the changes as you work your way through the museum.

So, for what it's worth, there are two major tourist sites open for free and on weekends, too. Totally worth it, if only to see what's changed since the last time you were there. This time, there won't be any nuns to smack you in the back of the head for acting the fool.

Not that you should now, or anything - you're a grown up and these are nicer places these days.

The opposite of subtle

For those who don't live here in Chicago, you're missing out on a high-water mark of modern advertising.

I speak, of course, of the "Get Tested Chicago" campaign. Get tested for what? Genital-chomping STD's, silly!

At first, the ads were mildly shocking and kind of funny. Apparently, I've been missing the boat by not keeping a closer eye on the city's gay publications. I implore you to check out the full-sized version of the ad on the right.

It's only one ad campaign in a line of blunt force advertising here, which had expanded this week to include the automated voice on the city's bus and train lines telling riders that without help from the state, the bus they're on won't be operating at the end of January.

Right in between announcing stops and warning people about assaulting other riders or drivers is the announcement that the elderly should be prepared to start walking. I'm shocked that it's not coordinated to go off when the bus passes a shoe store or a bike shop.

It's something to think about as you're walking to the VD clinic.

The big news

With the cat out of the bag for all the interested parties, it's safe to throw around some cheap excuses here.

We're going home in October, which means moving back to Chicago and hopefully settling back into the lives that I really enjoyed until our move up north.

I'm waiting for the dust to settle, while still keeping the head of steam moving along at the baseball site, so please be patient.

I'm sure there's a whole slew of posts about home, family, moving costs and all sorts of grown-up stuff just waiting to come pouring down the pipe. It's a proven fact that you get a great deal of perspective from these sorts of life-changing events - you won't be able to shut me up in a few weeks.

Like Capone's Vault, only with stuff in it

One of the things I learned from working with the Chicago Trolley Company a few years ago was that if you picked any person from any country around the world and said the name, "Chicago" to them, they'd do one of two things.

a.) They'd hunker over with an imaginary tommy gun, go "bam, bam, bam" and say "Al Capone!"
b.) They'd grin and immediately pipe up with, "Michael Jordan!"

Point B was a relatively new phenomenon, but was endlessly pleasing to the tourism bureau - if people instantly connect your city with corruption, illegal activities and murder, you won't attract many people to town and the ones who do show up might be a little weird.

Still, there are plenty of old sites around the city that remind people of Chicago's rough history from the site of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre on Clark Street to the Biograph Theater, where John Dillinger was gunned down where the dumpsters for the taco joint are now.

So, it's no surprise that any place with a legitimate - or even those that are a bit of a stretch, like a few bars in the Southwest 'burbs with access to the I and M Canal - claim to Chicago's gangland history has more than a few folks poking around looking for ssome of Capone's old shell casings.

The Chicago Tribune has posted a multimedia story on the Green Mill and the tunnels that zip around underneath it. With a former Capone henchman, Jack McGurn, at the helm, the Green Mill has its requisite cred and a steady stream of jazz - both live and from the ancient juke box - cascading from the club, there are nights where it seems that not much has changed.

It's a really cool presentation, with a guided tour of the underground offices, tunnels and (ooh!) restrooms. I always thought that the trapdoor led to a cooler - as a bartender had told me - but it leads to storage and a lot of junk. Incidentally, the staff there could only remember one person ever falling through the trap door, even on the busiest nights - and that was a new manager.

I got the feeling no one felt too bad about the accident, which might explain why no one warned them.

Anyways, the Green Mill should be on everyone's list of cool things to see in the city, whether you're a resident or just visiting. I can't even recall how many nights we'd be down there until far too late on a school night for Jimmy Sutton and the Four Charms or Swing Night or even Sabretooth on occasion.

When you ask me to narrow down some of my favorite "city kid" moments of living there in my mid-20s, the Green Mill is in more than it's fair share. I have to say that knowing I'd sat in Capone's old booth on occasion makes me feel just a little bit cooler. At the very least, it would have made for better stories with dates I was trying to impress with my knowledge of things that are awesome.

OK, maybe not.

Still, I'm sure I speak for everyone who stayed out with me when I say that had we known where that booth was, we'd have hurried our asses up to get there earlier every Tuesday.

I'm not sure if it's better or worse than sitting in the John Cusack/High Fidelity spot. We might have had to work out some sort of rotation.

(Image from LuminoMagazine.com, via Chicagoist)

Machine stays well-oiled

I think the most telling sign that Mayor Richard Daley had a strong grip on the race for reelection is the fact that the Chicago Tribune only used four paragraphs to announce his win Tuesday night.

With what will end up being in the neighborhood of three-quarters of the vote, he cruised to a record sixth term and it was greeted with a big yawn by the Chicago media. I guess it frees up more reporters to cover the problems with the El rehab project.

When people ask about politics in Chicago, and espcially the allegations of corruption dating back to The Machine's heyday, my best answer is that for your typical resident, they get their trash picked up and their streets clear of snow. What more could you want?

Is it disheartening to hear about corruption in your government? Certainly. Does it matter to most people on a daily basis? See above regarding trash collection.

So, congrats to the man who was gleefully unapologetic about plowing under Meigs Field and has to take this vote as a clear sign that he's bulletproof in the world of Chicago politics. However, he should be keeping tabs on the weather reports in a few years, especially if anyone can raise a candidate with a pulse or a mean streak who will be willing to take more than a bluffing charge at him.

Need proof? Just go Google Jane Byrne.

(Photo from InTheseTimes.com)

26.19999 Miles of greatness

The majesty of man battling the elements and his own body to cover 26.2 gruelling miles.

Going further and faster on foot than one would think would be humanly possible.

Watching Kenyans totally eat it at the finish line.

Ah, who doesn't love a marathon, huh kids?




And in a move that should surprise no one but the very old and very stupid, there's an investigation afoot to figure out just what happened this weekend... Uh, I could save them a couple thousand dollars in research fees, but then again, I'm no expert on friction coefficients and the wisdom of placing smooth surfaces on wet days at the end of a very long and draining race.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not that guy.