The one in which the (new) bike is put on lockdown

Gentle readers, learn from my mistakes.

Not knowing what lines I cannot cross with a new bike on order and the insurance company cutting a check, I'll opt to focus on what I've learned about locks since yesterday. Suffice to say, never assume that your bike is bulletproof and know that mine was stolen in front of our shop, a doorman for the condos next door, a mailman and the knowing eyes of hundreds of geese.

Since then, I've trolled the Internet for the best in bicycle security and it boils down to a few keys points.

* Kryptonite is the gold standard for a reason. Some bikes are better known, but of lesser quality. I love the alternative/mom and pop companies as much as the next guy, but Kryptonite keeps coming out on top. I'm sinking my money into a lock and chain that require 10 minutes with power tools to break.

* There are a few levels for Kryptonite's products. Standard, New York and New York Fahgettaboudit. The NYFU is the top dog from what I researched. If you plan to buy on Amazon.com, don't be too afraid of the multiple combos and prices. Most are just different ways to combine one of the locks with one of the chains or are sizing variations on the u-locks.

* That pesky Bic pen issue that NAD referenced before? Done and done. Most companies have gone to flat keys instead of the old round ones. Make sure you're working with the flat keys.

* The best lock in the world won't help you if you a.) don't lock the bike at all or b.) don't lock the bike correctly. There are plenty of sites to help you out with this, but if you lock your rear wheel and frame to something solid, you're ahead of the game. Sometimes, Internet celebrities will even help keep you honest.

* When locking down your baby, don't leave space to smash a lock on the ground (or to push the lock down to the concrete where it can be bashed with a hammer) and try to minimize the space to sneak a jack or other prying device into it.

* Don't be a moron and leave your bike unlocked. No, not even to go to Starbucks for a second. No. Bad cyclist. Bad.

* Secure wheels, seats and accessories. Ask your local bike shop for help with this if needed.

* Be careful where you lock your bike. The location is important (not locking things to a dumpster behind a building is a good start) as is the object you're banking on. Parking meters are good, trees are good, bike racks are great. Sign posts for no parking signs or bus stops are not. Look closely, there's a bolt at the bottom that can be undone and your chain just slides right off.

* Try to avoid leaving your bike out overnight or outside for days on end. If you're doing this, chances are your bike isn't worth much and you stopped reading this five minutes ago.

* Know that Chicago is second in the nation in bike thefts. Damn.

(Image from: Danny M, who totally cheered me up with this screencap today)