My parents made the mistake of telling my far too early in the process and like any dutiful nerd, I read and read about the topic until all of my conversations were about air travel, Disney World and the other hallmarks of the greater Orlando area's tourist attractions.
It was my first flight and as it was 1984, the skies were still quite friendly and the stewardess let me run up to the cockpit and meet the pilots. I even got a set of wings from them that I kept for years after the trip.The pilots showed me all the buttons, levers and knobs that made the plane go and I couldn't have been happier. I would have liked to have been a pilot until I learned that my awful eyesight meant I'd have a hard time becoming a fighter pilot, which was the ticket to the big time of commercial air travel.
Still, I don't remember ever being afraid to fly and while I still have no problem with the flight itself - it's the waiting and uncertainty of times and security procedures that get me now - there is a greater degree of trepidation that I face now flying as an adult.
In all honesty, the first time I got a twinge in my stomach was after I began dating The Girl a few years ago. I suddenly had something very important to lose if something were to go wrong and it was a very real concern for me.
Occasionally, I'll have that flash of consciousness where I realize if my car were to drive off the road or something terrible were to happen that I'd be disappointed because I wasn't done here yet. I take this as a good sign that things are going well in my life and that I'm doing as well or better than I ever have. It's nothing I dwell on, but it's something that's there for all of us.
When I took off on Friday, I tried to process why I suddenly had this feeling at 29 that I didn't have at 6. It boils down to three possibilities:
1.) I'm more conscious as an adult that thing can go wrong, when they go wrong and what those consequences can be.
2.) I do have more to lose now and I'm very aware of that. Outside of my immediate family, there is a wonderful woman, a lifetime of friends and a family which includes in-laws that I love very much that would be deeply impacted if I was gone. Being able to quantify those numbers make things a little more real.
3.) There's still a lot left for me to accomplish in this lifetime and if I had the clock wind down prematurely, I'd be disappointed. Knowing that life is short is hard enough. Knowing that and having lived nearly three decades makes you aware that you need to start checking more things off your big list.
I'll be getting to the airport and on another plane home tomorrow and there won't be a problem with any of that.
It's almost comforting to know that when I get that quick pulse when the front wheels go up tomorrow it'll be for the right reasons. I can only imagine that it's the travel sized version of the adrenaline rush skydivers get.
If it is, I can totally understand why they do it.
(Image from DeltaTravel)
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